Friendship Isn’t a Luxury Item for Youth Workers

After college, I took a job in youth ministry, saved a few months, and bought a convertible. I live in Cleveland Ohio–not south Florida–but my whole life up until that point, I wanted a convertible, so I bought one. I absolutely loved it. I’d blast the heat with the top down well into the fall, pick up students from school (to their delight), and even used to drive an older woman home from church on Sundays (she giggled like a little kid when it was warm enough to drive with the top down).

But after 2 years, I knew my two-door convertible days were coming to an end. I needed a more practical, reliable car for the demands of my work. I realized I couldn’t be 25, working in youth ministry, and own 2 cars–one of which was a convertible. I knew even at that young age (on a low-to-modest salary) that a “car for fun” was going to be a luxury item I’d need to let go of for ministry. For youth workers, there are similar kinds of “luxuries” that all of us have had to give up. But friendship is not one of those items. 

Genuine and deep friendship is not like an annual Disney cruise or a convertible: it is not a luxury item that you give up to be in ministry. But how do we nurture healthy and life-giving friendships in our complex roles?  I believe we need to first identify four lies that we’ve come to believe about friendship in ministry. Like any good lie, they have a hint of truth, but if we don’t see them clearly…we will end up hurt, confused, and lonely.

Lie #1: Students Are My Friends!

I genuinely love hanging out with students. I love their company and their humor. We have great, life-giving conversations that are valuable to me. They add all kinds of color and richness to my life, but they, by nature, aren’t my peers. In this sense, they aren’t my “friends.” There are personal boundaries we must hold with them, and no matter how young and fun we think we are, there will always be a relational distance between us. That’s a good thing.  

I’ve seen youth workers (and myself at times) make the mistake of trying to use their job as their primary social life, where there is always another game to go to, another student lunch, a Christmas, Superbowl, or impromptu-after-youth-group party to attend. If we aren’t careful, we can conflate relational discipleship with having our loneliness needs met.

Don’t put students in a role they were never meant to fill; that can turn ugly really fast. It might feel like it works when life is good, but what about when life gets messy? What happens when there are problems with our marriage, children, parents, or finances? Even more, what happens when that job at the church comes to an end? Those moments reveal what we need most: friends to stand shoulder to shoulder with us, who can pick up the phone and guide us to Jesus when our world feels fuzzy.  

All the student relationships in our lives are a gift, but they are no replacement for friendship. 

Lie #2: Leadership is lonely 

Making decisions as leaders sometimes means we face things that not everyone will understand, yes. But I often hear this used as some sort of badge of honor for ministry leaders who don’t have personal friendships, so they turn the sadness of loneliness into some sort of virtue signaling. It breaks my heart. Additionally, I believe the only way to carry the heavy burden of leadership is with friendship. All of us need people around us that we trust, that know us, that can make us laugh when we’re down, that will pray for us, etc.

Jesus is our example in this. Were there times he was alone–in prayer, in the desert, in the garden–yes, and he was intentional about that time. But as our example in all things, he was not a loner. He had the Twelve, and he had his three. He had close, intimate friends beyond the disciples as well—Mary, Martha, Lazarus, and others.  He sent the disciples out 2-by-2. Additionally, Paul always had a partner in ministry who traveled with him. Occasionally, as leaders, we might feel the pang of loneliness. But when I look at the life of Jesus, and when I look at the early church, it’s hard for me to make a case that that should be the norm–or that it’s some sort of feature of effective leadership. To me, it seems quite the opposite. 

Lie #3: NOT People At My Church 

This is another one of those ministry-leader-accepted-as-true-mantras that I want us to think about. Sometimes, this comes from a desire to maintain healthy boundaries due to feeling pressure from others to “be the ministry person”–the classic, “Since we have a professional pray-er here, can you pray for dinner?”  However, I think there can be an unforeseen danger in responding in this way.

I have found that even though I have feigned annoyance by these (“professional prayer”) types of comments, deep inside, I like it. It feeds something in me. I like feeling respected, smart, or honored as a “righteous” example. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be friends with people in my congregation because I really don’t want off this pedestal. Friends, this is sin. We (I!) have to fight this idolatry of reputation and rip it out.

Now, I’m not saying that we need to air out every bit of dirty laundry at a kid’s birthday party, and I’m not giving permission to gossip under the guise of “friendship.” What I am saying is when you choose close friends, don’t automatically rule out members of your church. Show discretion in what you share, as in all relationships, but don’t hide your true self from mature, trustworthy people in your congregation.

I’ve spent many years trying to protect my reputation at all costs–but let me tell you, when I’ve broken out of that, I’ve experienced some of my most precious times in ministry. I’ve even led a couple of mission trips with my very best friends as volunteers, and truly, we’d often laugh that we were getting away with something because of how much joy it brought to us. I’ve tasted the gift of true friendship on the other side of my reputation-addiction, and it’s enough to keep me fighting against it.  

Lie #4: I don’t have the time!

Friendship takes legitimate sacrifice. If your schedule is too maxed out for you (and your spouse, if you have one) to cultivate genuine, unhurried, meaningful friendships, you need to make a change. Full stop. Luxurious vacations with your buddies may not be something you can afford (both in money and time, let’s be real), but if you have NO margin for regular connection with friends, something's gotta give. 

Instead of a hierarchy of important things, “God first, family second, ministry third… etc.,” I encourage you to think more about a healthy ecosystem. You would never say, “air first, water second…” The ratios might be different, but you’ll never have a healthy ecosystem without all of the essential elements present. Relationships are essential in our journey of following Jesus. Friendship is essential. If you are going to have a healthy ministry, you need to cultivate a healthy ecosystem for both you and your family. 

Be creative in this.  It takes patience, discernment, and sacrifice. And if you're married, it takes both parties to make the friendship-as-luxury to friendship-as-essential switch.  One of my good friends and I have been walking at 6:15am on Friday mornings for over a year. We call it our “club meeting.” She has 2 kids, works full time, and the only time we could regularly connect was before her family got up. This friendship costs us both sleep and a slow rest of the morning–and it costs her husband getting the girls up and ready for the day. But it’s worth it. Sometimes we spend half the time yapping about nothing, other times we unravel motives and insecurities as we walk the neighborhood. It's time I treasure. 

My fancy car was a luxury item I’d give up over and over again. But friendship? It’s not optional for those in ministry. It's essential. Let’s shift the mantras, expose the lies, and bring it back to its rightful place.