Why I Recommend Same-Gender Small Groups for Youth

Editor’s Note: This article and the next will offer different opinions on a common question: “Should small groups be mixed-gender or same-gender?” There are good arguments to be made for either case, so that’s what we’ll offer to help you discern what’s best for your ministry. 

Youth leaders often wonder how they should break students into small groups. The answers, unsurprisingly, look different depending on the context. Several important factors include: group size, the number of qualified leaders, and your meeting space. Those are very straightforward and objective metrics to think through. What about the considerations that lean into the quality of the discussion within those groups? 

Obviously, your goal with small groups will be the primary driver: are they focused on Bible study, on discussing questions based on large-group teaching, or on pastoral care and accountability? One important factor that many youth leaders struggle to evaluate is this: should we break students out by gender, or keep them in mixed groups? 

I think you could, depending on your goals, have fruitful mixed gender small groups. However, I think most youth ministry small groups should be gender-based rather than mixed-gender. 

Here are a couple of reasons why I prefer gender-based small groups: 

Awkwardness

Many youth leaders (rightly) want to help train students to see their peers of the opposite gender as fellow believers, not just romantic partners. After all, in Christ, all the worldly barriers that once separated us have been broken down, and we are unified by a beautiful gospel. However, there is a difference between the idealized picture of the church we should aspire toward and the practical realities of working with awkward teenagers. 

As students enter middle school, boys and girls often are not comfortable talking to each other outside of being acquaintances at school. Students going through puberty are not only uncomfortable with themselves, but also with those of the opposite gender for a season. There is a natural awkwardness during this time that won't be removed merely by shoving them into groups together. If the goal of your groups is for students to become comfortable enough to answer questions and share their struggles, then creating an environment suitable for that is crucial. 

As they mature, some of this natural awkwardness may begin to recede, but for small group purposes, it’s unlikely to completely resolve during student ministry. Additionally, if the hour or two they spend in youth group each week is the only time they are together, they are most likely not going to grow as close relationally as we hope. 

Accountability

An important factor that many people overlook in this decision is with regard to sensitive information. As many youth leaders have experienced, sometimes small groups are environments where students occasionally share sensitive information about their struggles with anxiety, abuse, lust, etc. Now, these moments are usually unplanned and it’s often difficult to know how to offer wise counsel in the moment. 

These vulnerable moments will likely never happen in mixed-groups. Now, again, your goal for small groups may solve this problem for you; if your groups are more oriented towards discussing a lesson or working through a passage of Scripture, it is likely those things won’t come up anyway. But for small groups who prioritize pastoral care and support, mixed-gender groups will limit the depth and accountability that separate groups would afford. 

Another factor concerns leaders in mixed settings. If you have a man and a woman co-leading a group (leaders often choose a married couple), the same problem could surface. If a male student is struggling with lust or anxiety, but a woman is one of their leaders, then they most likely are not going to feel comfortable divulging that information. There are some things that young men need to talk to older men about, and the same goes for young women. Mixed groups may sound ideal, but given the minimal time students are gathered, these groups may produce more barriers than benefits.

Affection

The final concern with mixing teenagers of different genders in small-group settings is that, despite our best intentions, students often become romantically confused. They are learning who they like, what they are attracted to, and how to build deeper relationships that involve romantic attachments. Unfortunately, many still struggle to distinguish between close friendships and something more. There is even a common tendency to spiritualize their relationships, equating their spiritual intimacy with romantic intimacy. 

This obviously is not a guarantee, but when paired with the previous concerns, it isn’t to be taken lightly. We want the goals of our small groups to help students grow in their walk with Christ, learn to do so in the context of community, and care for one another well. With the added element of misplaced affection, that focus runs the risk of being redirected in unhelpful, counterproductive ways. And in the process, there is also a potential for broken relationships with students who do become involved breaking up, leading one or the other to stop attending, and dividing the group into factions of support for their friend. 

Ideals are not Rhythms

I have had situations where students were more comfortable in mixed-gender groups. In a small town where I previously served, the majority of students went to the same school, were in the same marching band, FCA groups, had the same summer jobs, and had mostly grown up in the church together. They were remarkably close and spiritually knit together in a way that was encouraging and highly beneficial for the churches in our town. This sounds like an ideal scenario for mixed-gender small groups, but they still thrived with separate small groups in our student ministry. I say this to say, you can pursue modeling healthy relationships between the genders without making it the blueprint for your small group ministry.

Ultimately, your decision needs to be made based on your context and what might work best, but as long as you are pouring into your students, giving them opportunities to build relationships, and modeling faithfulness to the Word, then you can rest easy, knowing that God will work in their lives in ways you could never predict.