I served as a Youth Pastor in two churches and under three senior pastors. Two of those were very healthy relationships, the other… not so much. I’ve experienced the delight of serving with a senior pastor who was a fatherly mentor during my early years in ministry, one who was (and still is) a brother and a friend, and with another whose relationship was ultimately marked by conflict, leading to my departure from that church.

A youth pastor’s relationship with their senior pastor has a significant impact on their personal well-being, family life, and the ministry’s health. In this article, I’m going to assume that we already agree on the importance of this relationship and will instead focus on practical ways to cultivate a healthy relationship, before concluding with some counsel for those who are in a difficult situation.

At the risk of sharing way too much advice, here are some basic principles that have served me well (many that I’ve learned the hard way) about how to pursue a joyful partnership with your senior pastor.

Principles for a Healthy Senior Pastor and Youth Pastor Relationship

Show Appropriate Honor

You are called to lead the church’s ministry to youth and their families, and your senior pastor is called to preach the Word and lead the congregation. This is a heavier burden on them than we often realize. We can make that burden heavier or lighter, depending on how we view our relationship with them and with the church-at-large. Let’s be youth workers who show honor to our senior pastors, seeking to respect them and their leadership–even if there are times when we disagree and cannot understand every reason behind the decisions they make.

Learn One Another’s Communication Style

Early in my ministry, my senior pastor asked me, “Mike, what do you think about taking on the announcements every week during Sunday worship?” I was young, so I took his question at face value and replied, “I’d rather not.” Eventually, I realized these types of questions were his polite way of telling me what he’d like me to do. Learning his communication style allowed me to serve alongside him better, lighten his load, and build a strong relationship of trust and appreciation. Learning to speak each other’s language enabled us to have a long and healthy ministry together.

Ask for Counsel and Help

Your senior pastor has wisdom and experience you don’t. Ask them for counsel and help with difficult situations. Don’t waste their time by going into meetings unprepared or by asking them about every decision, but most senior pastors want to support you and the youth ministry. However, you should be discerning about whether or not your senior pastor will feel slighted if you don’t ultimately do what they recommended. In these cases, it would be wise to at least have a short conversation or send an email (depending on the seriousness of the issue) about what decision you made and why.

Care for One Another’s Family

People easily assume the pastors’ kids are either wayward rebels or perfect saints. Be persistent in praying for your pastor’s family, by name–and let him know! Ask about the kids by name, and try your best to remember what’s happening in their lives. Don’t do this because you want to manipulate them for bonus points, so they’ll be more likely to approve your requests. Genuinely care for his family. This also includes you taking a vulnerable step to share honest prayer requests and needs with him, too.

Get Organized

One of the most common complaints senior pastors field from congregation members about the youth pastor has to do with poor administration. It’s important to learn basic organizational skills that will enable you to communicate with parents consistently and ahead of deadlines, plan events on the church calendar that won’t conflict with other events, and to submit your receipts and expenses on time. This isn’t fun, but it is important.

Let Them Hear Bad News From You First

If there’s a problem or conflict, it’s better for them to hear about it from you before they hear about it from parents or volunteers. It shows maturity and wisdom for you to be proactive about potential problems. It also builds everyone’s trust when the senior pastor is approached by someone saying, “Did you know about XYZ?” and he can reply, “Yes, we’ve talked about it. Here’s what we’re doing to address it.”

What to do When There’s Conflict

Remove the Splinter From Your Own Eye

Every conflict would be reconciled faster if we took Jesus’ advice in Matthew 7:3-5. When there is conflict, our first response should be to prayerfully ask the Lord to show us our hearts. It’s important to recognize that Jesus doesn’t tell his disciples to remove the splinter from their own eye, and then walk away. No, he says, “and then you will see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother’s eye.” You will not be able to achieve godly reconciliation with a splinter in your eye.

ep.74 of the YPT Podcast features a conversation with Cody Busby (Mike’s senior pastor) about “Strengthening the Senior Pastor/Youth Pastor Relationship”

Pray For (not Against) Each Other

This should be obvious, but needs to be stated. Prayer is spiritual warfare against the spiritual powers that oppose the gospel. It is not a weapon to use against your pastor. You both ought to pray for the Fruit of the Spirit to be evident in one another’s lives. As you both draw nearer to Christ, perhaps the Lord would bring you closer to each other, too? If you cannot truly pray for your senior pastor, then this is evidence of a rift that needs intervention by a trusted third party. Ultimately, it could mean that it is time for you to pursue another ministry.

Guard Your Heart From Fake-Grace and Bitterness

When you’ve been truly wronged, falsely accused, or are chronically over-worked and under-appreciated, the options aren’t: a) pretend everything is fine, b) overlook every genuine offense in the name of “giving grace”, c) foster bitterness in your heart, or d) fully express all your righteous indignation. Of these, I think the most common responses are b (fake grace) and c (embracing bitterness). Grace doesn’t overlook sin or hurt, it applies the blood of Christ in a way that leads to true repentance and restoration. Allowing bitterness and resentment to take up residence in your heart and mind will decay your soul and turn you ugly.

Talk With an Elder

Your senior pastor is worthy of honor, but they are also under authority. Although the intention may not be “church discipline" against the pastor, Matthew 18:15-20 offers good biblical wisdom for how to approach inter-staff conflict. If your pastor has sinned against you and you’ve gone to him one-on-one to seek reconciliation, then the next biblical step is to talk with an elder (or whomever the pastor’s overseer may be in your church tradition). Perhaps my own cultural biases are at play here (White New Englanders tend to be quite direct), and I recognize that other cultures would hardly ever disagree with their elders or authorities–but I believe Christ’s zeal for his church’s holiness outweighs our cultural deference to those in authority, and that inaction often leads to broader church hurt and dysfunction.

Seek God’s Direction About Staying or Leaving

If there is irreconcilable division between yourself and the senior pastor, it simply may be wise to seek ministry elsewhere. Even here, it is necessary to pray for wisdom, courage, and humility. I recently talked with a friend who faithfully endured in her church after she had been sinned against on multiple fronts by her supervising pastor, but she strongly felt called to stay. She did, and the Lord brought what was hidden into the light in His own timing, and now she’s able to help rebuild. At the same time, I know many others who have needed to acknowledge they are not the church’s savior, and they were called to leave the church to serve elsewhere. God will give wisdom to those who ask.

Don’t Walk Alone

Finally, remember that you don’t need to navigate tense pastor relationships alone. Bring highly trusted and godly friends into your inner circle so they can pray for you and offer wisdom. But be very discerning and careful about whom you seek out. In your flesh, you’ll want to talk with friends who will “have your back” and tell you what you want to hear, but friends who feed your anger or bitterness are spiritually counter-productive. Good and godly friends will weep with you, and will help you be angry without sin (Ephesians 4:26) as you pray together for the Lord’s wisdom.

Your relationship with your senior pastor will set the tone for the joyfulness of your ministry experience. We need to be realistic and accept that most of our youth pastor-senior pastor relationships won’t be marked by deep brotherhood and warmth. I hope the counsel above will encourage those that are healthy, strengthen those that are merely collegial, and provide brotherly sympathy for those who are in a hard place.

Pursuing Joyful Partnership With Your Senior Pastor