Responding to Criticism in Youth Ministry
Criticism in ministry has the potential to be devastating. Since we are deeply invested in what we do as youth workers, receiving feedback that suggests we could improve can make us want to throw in the towel. Criticism can also be dangerous, as reacting badly can harm us and the ministry we love. So how do we learn to respond to criticism rightly, avoiding discouragement while honestly listening to the concerns of others?
Growing up in the UK, the most successful road safety campaign was the “Green Cross Code.” It was devastatingly simple (and memorable): Stop, Look, Listen, Think. I’m going to suggest that this is also a good way to understand how to respond to ministry criticisms while avoiding the potential dangers for ourselves and our ministries should we respond poorly. I’m going to switch it around to Stop, Listen, Look, Think – which inevitably makes it less punchy and memorable, but still will be helpful. As I utilize this framework, I will also make use of some of the ideas from ‘systems theory’, as expressed by Edwin Friedman and Steve Cuss. I think there are several ways these ideas can help us to handle criticism when it comes our way in youth ministry.
STOP!
The first step when you receive criticism is to stop – the spiritual gift of patience is critical here. Resist the temptation to react immediately. This is likely only going to inflame the situation. It is easy to rush into a defense of your actions or speech. Perhaps you believe you had thought through everything carefully and are convinced that you went about things in the right way. At this stage, that is not the point. Since your emotions are closely tied to the event, you need to find a way of distancing yourself to see the situation clearly.
Edwin Friedman refers to this as ‘differentiation’ – that we are able to define ourselves as ‘I’ when others are demanding ‘you’ or ‘we’. We learn to unbind ourselves from the situation and stand aloof. This can have some negativity to it, after all, it’s right to sympathize with others. But when we are facing criticism, part of hearing it well means slowing down and not erupting like a volcano in these moments.
There have been too many times when I’ve failed to follow this advice. It is so easily done. Ministers are often tired and emotionally spent, having worked long hours and sacrificed much for those we minister to. To then have a parent or leader tell us that we’ve made a mess of things is not something that usually lands well. Often these criticisms come at the wrong times – the end of youth group, a late text or email on a Sunday night. These are the moments where we must stop, because it is when we are most emotionally vulnerable. To explode in response to the criticism has two problems: first, it’s a sinful reaction, which may take the focus off the other person’s motivation and put it on us. Second, it takes the focus off our original mistake, which could be a point of learning for both parties. Work hard in these moments to pause and maybe arrange a time later to pick up the conversation.
LISTEN!
The next step is to listen. I don’t mean that we stand there and allow a parent or a volunteer to shout at or accuse us of everything under the sun. True listening is taking a step back and viewing the situation more widely. It may be that there is something you have done wrong, but it may also be that there is an issue in the complainant’s life. I remember one time I was sat down by a man and told that I was handling a situation totally wrong. As I listened and reflected, I could see that it was his anxiety towards his own family situation that was giving him this perspective. I was able to talk him through his own concerns and gently help him understand why my course of action was the only possible one. Friedman calls this approach being ‘a non-anxious presence’, noting that anxiety is contagious and can spread throughout a network of relationships causing greater pain and damage.
Once we listen well, it may be that the criticism is not for us. Often, we are being ‘triangulated’ – where the issue regards the relationship between two others, and you are being brought into it. When you point this out, it can defuse many issues and allow a more direct way of handling conflict, even allowing pushback against the one bringing criticism.
In this listening, we are not always paying direct attention to the presenting issue, but to the relational elements that feed into those moments. Steve Cuss suggests that we should pay attention to the ‘process of how people are relating and behaving’. It may be that the criticiser is bringing a huge weight of other issues from elsewhere that is coloring their reaction to the present event.
Sometimes in these times of conflict, we lose sight of the full humanity of the other person. The complainant and the complained against are all made in the image of God. Listening to the wider cares of those involved can reintroduce us to the God-given presence of that person in our lives, after all, we are unpredictable and complex creatures interacting. It takes time to pause, to reflect, and to understand what might be occurring, and even then, there will be information that we lack or nuances we haven’t seen which may be impacting someone’s response.
LOOK!
The third step is to look. Once we have stopped and listened, we are then in a better position to look at the actual complaint. It may be legitimate, even if it is not being expressed well. There may be something important that you can take seriously. This will take deep prayer for wisdom and honesty with yourself.
Is there something you can apologise for? Is there a legitimate issue that can be addressed or changed? What am I bringing to this situation that may be out of line? Look at the systems that this complaint is directed at. Can there be subtle changes which can be made to limit the anxiety which is occurring? Again, Steve Cuss talks about stuck systems – people end up in a stuck pattern of reaction and counter-reaction. Maybe there are subtle changes in language or behaviour can move people out of these patterns. Taking the time to look intentionally at these things could make all the difference.
THINK!
The final step is to think! Having stopped, listened and looked, we need to take time to think apart from the situation. We are often not very good at theologically reflecting in the face of criticism. We often want to solve problems and think in pragmatic terms, more about our programs than the action of God.
Make a cup of coffee and spend 20 minutes with a pen and paper writing down what you think God was doing through all of this. Was he directing your heart to some needed change in yourself or in your approach to ministry? Was he bringing about grace in a broken relationship? Was he pointing out that the current system of your life is a toxic mess of criticism and that you need healthier rhythms?
I ended up in a situation once where I had all the responsibility and none of the power – which meant when the criticisms consistently came, it wasn’t a place I could safely stay and do good. It was time to make the painful decision that for my sake and the church’s sake, I had to leave. In the midst of criticism, your heart will hurt, and you will need to take some space and time to heal. But make sure you don’t skip the necessary work to navigate criticism before resorting to that solution. Remember: STOP, LISTEN, LOOK, THINK!
Further Reading:
Friedman, Edwin H., Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue
Cuss, Steve, Managing Leadership Anxiety: Yours and Theirs
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