Navigating Conflict with Volunteers in Ministry
If you ask any youth pastor, “What’s one of the most important pieces of a thriving youth ministry?”, chances are one of the top answers will be “volunteers.” As your youth group grows, having volunteer leaders helping with games, leading small groups, building relationships and executing events becomes progressively more important. Having leaders with different giftings, fresh ideas, and a desire to help can be such an asset and blessing in a youth pastor’s life. They can also be a source of conflict.
The longer a youth leader serves at a church, the likelier they are to encounter problems with volunteer leaders. Sometimes, it may be related to big things, like disagreeing over the goal of the youth ministry. Or they might get frustrated with how you do things, or they loved the previous youth pastor and just don’t think you measure up to their legacy. Other times, the conflicts arise for less important reasons. They may have loved an event you no longer do.
So what do you do in these moments? How do you address these problems in a healthy, loving way? And what do you do when, after prayer and much counsel, you’re convinced that it’s time to “let a volunteer go”? In short, I want to help you navigate conflict with your adult volunteers without making it worse.
How to Diagnose the Source of Conflict
Here are a few diagnostic questions to ask before addressing the conflict with your volunteer:
Reasons – what is the actual problem?
Starting here is important because it avoids making assumptions about the person’s motives. If they bring you a complaint, consider whether there is some truth to what they are saying. If it’s about your teaching, are they right? If it’s related to another worker or even a student, have you noticed similar complaints or concerns raised by others? All of this helps to think rightly about a situation before deciding how to respond.
Relationship – how well do you know this person?
Are they a new leader or a seasoned veteran? Are they a parent of a student? Do you have a history with them, or do you rarely work together? If this is someone you trust, it may be wise to seriously consider the issues they are raising. If this is someone you don’t trust or have had negative experiences with, then you’ll probably make negative assumptions about their motives. It is also pastorally wise to consider whether something in their life is adding to frustrations that might be misdirected toward you. In short, if your relationship with this leader isn’t right, then conflict is bound to happen.
Role – how involved are they?
The level of a volunteer's involvement matters because it determines how well they understand what’s going on. If a volunteer hasn’t served in the youth ministry in several months, they may not know what has changed since then. If they only serve at certain events, they may not understand the difference between that event and your weekly rhythms. If they serve all the time, then they know the ins and outs of the ministry and likely see things more clearly. Assessing their role can help you decide how much attention to direct toward their critiques.
Results – how is it affecting the ministry?
Is this person pulling other people onto “their side”? Are they spewing toxicity, complaints, and a steady stream of criticism? Or was this a one-time conflict that you can easily discuss, then forgive and forget? If the conflict is spreading throughout other leaders and onto students, then sidestepping it will only lead to bigger problems.
Repentance - how am I removing the plank from my own eye?
Ministry is personal. Sometimes, that means criticisms of our ministry decisions can feel like criticisms of us, personally. This is especially true when people are stressed and don’t express themselves calmly or with grace. It’s important for you to prayerfully ask whether or not you are blowing this conflict out of proportion because you’re stressed by other things or because your pride has been wounded. After all, just because something hurt your feelings doesn’t mean it needs to be “dealt with.” In those cases, you should probably deal with conflict by dragging your pride before the cross.
How to Address the Conflict
I would recommend you set up a time to meet with them in person, somewhere that’s private enough you won’t be interrupted but public enough you are both on “good behavior”. Don’t try to do this in passing or over text.
Remember to Breathe
Nobody likes conflict. For many of us, we already hold ourselves to high standards, and the thought of giving people the opportunity to air their grievances with us is terrifying. But remember: your goal is reconciliation, not to be proven right. Peacemaking is something Christ has called us towards (Mt. 5:9), and it’s often a difficult process. Take a breath and remember that no one’s criticism can change the fact that Christ has called you and made you worthy in His sight. Try to speak warmly, be honest, and above all…LISTEN. Don’t listen in order to defend yourself or win a debate, but to understand them. As you let them speak openly, the situation might begin to resolve itself. Even if it doesn’t, it will give you more insight into how to proceed.
Remain on Subject
Once this conversation begins, and the initial criticisms and problems are brought up, it is important to remain on subject. If they begin to drift into larger problems with the church as a whole or into other issues that don’t seem to connect, it is okay to gently guide the conversation back to the topic at hand. If this continues to happen, then it may be necessary to say, “You seem to be focusing on issues other than what you said the problem was…is there something else on your mind you want to talk about?” Remember, this isn’t supposed to become an unfiltered gripe session; it is meant to resolve the tension between you and the volunteer.
Refrain from Accusations
In these moments, emotions can run high. Both sides can get defensive quickly. And it is in these moments where the real work of reconciliation happens: when you can honestly talk through the conflicts without devolving into personal attacks. Avoid attributing motives, blame, or shifting the source of the problems to the other person by saying things like, “You keep doing this…”, or “You always seem to complain when…” Try to listen intently, affirm them when they have legitimate concerns, and remind them that you desire to understand. On the same note, don’t assume that you must endure their personal attacks either. Remind them that the goal is to have fruitful discussion and resolution…not to “win”. If you aren’t able to have this kind of conversation between the two of you, then it might be best to try again with a pastor or elder who can mediate (Mt. 18:15-17).
Restore…when Possible
If you can have this conversation honestly, pointedly, and move forward with a restored relationship between you and your volunteer, then it is a wonderful thing. That conversation will probably earn you their respect, loyalty, and even help you serve your students better in the long run. Reconciliation and restoration are what we hope will happen after every conflict, and they beautifully portray the gospel of peace.
But what if it doesn’t? What if you tried everything, and they were unwilling to forgive, to apologize, or to extend you grace? This is going to shock some people, but you are not required to let someone continue serving in student ministry. You have the freedom to tell a volunteer that they need to cease serving in youth ministry, even if only for a time. If the conversation about reconciliation doesn’t go well, you don’t have to let them keep causing problems and spreading division. Your responsibility is, as much as it depends on you, to live peaceably with all people and lead your ministry well; it’s not your responsibility to give angry or entitled volunteers everything they want. Doing so will only delay the inevitable, when you still have to tell them to leave, but after they have caused more damage. Avoid being hasty, but also avoid passive leadership that enables harmful division.
Youth pastors need godly volunteers to help them shoulder the burden of ministry, reach and disciple kids, and partner well with parents. That’s a high calling. The way we handle conflict with volunteers has an impact not just on our relationship, but on our students. As you and your volunteers serve your students, I hope that you will not have conflict often, but when you do, that you will be able to address it in such a way that will deepen your relationships, keep you humble, shape you as a more effective leader, and put the gospel on display for students who rarely see examples of reconciliation. May God give you the grace you need to do it well.
Recommended Resource: PeaceMaker Ministries and The PeaceMaker by Ken Sande
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