Leading Your Family as a Youth Pastor
This month’s series, Cultivating Healthy Relationships in Youth Ministry, explores what it looks like to faithfully shepherd students while also nurturing the relationships that matter most in our own lives. The most important of these relationships are in the home.
For me, this topic isn’t abstract—it’s deeply personal. The call to youth ministry is a high one, but it’s never meant to come at the expense of our spouses and kids. If we “win” at church but “lose” at home, that’s not success. That’s an imbalance. And, if left unchecked, it will leave us and our families weary, wounded, and wondering whether ministry is worth it.
So how do we cultivate healthy relationships with our spouses and kids while serving as youth pastors? Let’s explore three anchors that help us walk faithfully: remembering our first calling, practicing rhythms of presence, and inviting our families into the joy of ministry.
Remembering Our First Calling
Before we were youth pastors, we were disciples of Jesus. Before we were leaders in the church, some of us were spouses. Before we ever planned a lock-in or a mission trip, we were parents.
Ephesians 5:25 gives us the picture: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.” Marriage is our first covenant relationship, and the way we love our spouse reflects Christ’s love to the world. Likewise, Deuteronomy 6:6–7 reminds us that discipleship begins at home: “These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” It’s easy to forget this when ministry feels urgent. Students are struggling, parents are calling, Sunday is always coming. But the truth is: our family is not a distraction from our ministry. They are our first ministry.
When I meet with young youth pastors, I often ask them: “What do you want your kids to say about you when they’re grown?” Rarely does anyone say, “I want them to remember how many awesome events with lots of people I pulled off.” Usually, it’s something like, “I want them to know I loved them well. That I wasn’t too busy for them.” Youth ministry is temporary, but our covenant with our spouse and our calling to disciple our kids is lifelong.
Practicing Rhythms of Presence
Ministry is demanding. There’s always another text to answer, meetings to attend, and students in crisis. If we’re not careful, our families will get our leftovers.
But healthy relationships require presence—not just physical, but emotional and spiritual presence. That doesn’t happen by accident; it requires intentional rhythms. Here are a few that have been life-giving in my own journey:
Sabbath Together: Exodus 20:8–10 says, “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy: You are to labor six days and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. You must not do any work…” Protecting a day each week where my phone is down and my family knows I’m all theirs reminds them they matter more than my to-do list.
Family Meals: Psalm 128:3 offers this beautiful image: “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house, your children, like young olive trees around your table.” Guarding meals as a sacred time can communicate stability and love.
Spouse First, Then Ministry: Genesis 2:24 reminds us that marriage creates a “one flesh” union: “This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.” Honoring my wife by checking with her before committing to extra ministry keeps this covenant priority clear.
Kid-Specific Time: Proverbs 22:6 encourages us, “Start a youth out on his way; even when he grows old he will not depart from it.” This task requires more than generic family time—it calls for intentional investment in each child.
These rhythms aren’t perfect. There are still weeks when ministry is busier than I’d like. But the point isn’t perfection—it’s intentionality. Presence is rarely convenient, but it’s always worth it.
Inviting Our Families into the Joy of Ministry
Too many pastors’ kids grow up resenting the church because all they experienced was the cost, without seeing any benefits. They saw late nights, stressful Sundays, and parents too exhausted to engage with them. They never saw the joy of serving God together as a family.
Paul reminds us in Philippians 1:3–5, “I give thanks to my God for every remembrance of you, always praying with joy for all of you in my every prayer, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now.” Gospel ministry, at its core, is partnership—and our families should be invited into that joy. That doesn’t mean dragging our spouse and kids to every event. It means helping them see ministry as something we do with them, not in spite of them.
For my wife, that has looked like finding places where her gifts can flourish in the church—not just “helping me,” but serving in ways that bring her joy, even if it’s not in my ministry. For my kids, it’s meant being part of mission projects, welcoming students into our home, and letting them see firsthand the beauty of gospel-centered community.
Here’s the key: don’t just tell your family you love ministry—show them why you love it. Celebrate when a student comes to faith. Let your spouse in on the victories. Share the laughter from that retreat. When our families taste the joy of ministry, they begin to see it not as competition, but as a calling we carry together.
Guardrails Along the Way
Of course, even with the best intentions, the line between ministry and family life can blur. That’s why we need guardrails.
Clear Expectations: Jesus himself set boundaries, often withdrawing to lonely places to pray. Be upfront with your leaders about family boundaries. Healthy churches will respect them.
Accountability: Proverbs 27:17 reminds us, “Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.” Invite trusted friends and mentors to ask you the hard questions about whether you are prioritizing your spouse and kids.
Counseling and Rest: Jesus calls us in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Caring for your soul and your marriage is not optional—it is part of stewarding God’s calling, even if it requires taking additional steps to stay emotionally and physically healthy.
Faithful at Home, Fruitful in Ministry
In youth ministry, it’s easy to measure success by numbers—how many came to camp, how many showed up for midweek, how many decisions were made. But Scripture reminds us that faithfulness, not flashiness, is the measure God honors.
Paul told Timothy, “If anyone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of God’s church?” (1 Timothy 3:5). That verse isn’t meant to heap guilt—it’s meant to anchor us. Our ability to shepherd students flows out of our faithfulness at home.
So youth pastor, love your spouse well. Disciple your kids with joy. Guard rhythms of presence. Invite your family into the beauty of ministry. And remember: when you are faithful at home, you are not doing less ministry—you are laying the very foundation for fruitful, lasting ministry in the church.